Letter to my radiation team

My journey
July 15, 2009

Thank you, radiation team, for your excellent skills and kind treatment. It has made this process much easier because of your professional and personable attention to my treatment. I will not miss the trips across the river and into the city but you will be missed.

My situation started with two driving incidents in August of 2008. I lost cognitive awareness of where I was. A CAT scan revealed a brain mass in my right parietal lobe of about 5cm. Surgery was in the process of being scheduled, when, on September 28, I suffered a seizure while preaching to my congregation where I have been serving for the last 21 years. My first tumor surgery took place on September 30, 2008. The pathology revealed that my brain mass was a glioblastoma multiforme stage IV. The tumor regrew, as it is determined to do, and I had a second surgery on Jananuary 29, 2009, and my third and final surgery on April 14, 2009. No further surgery seems reasonable since the tumor has regrown in my occipital lobe where I would lose my vision. We hope this chemotherapy and radiation protocol along with the supplemental treatments will continue to fend of regrowth. But with this type of tumor, it is a wait and see.

How does one handle this type of experience? My greatest help has come from a personal relationship I have with a great God. I did not grow up in a religious family and it was not until I was 17 years old that I learned that there was a person named Jesus Christ. As I learned more about Him and the incredible act of loving action on His part to die for me, I gave my life to Him. My life has never been the same since.

I don’t know where you are in your spiritual pilgrimage but I can’t encourage you enough to take a close look at the greatness of God and the person of Jesus Christ as revealed in the Bible. A great place to start is the gospel account written by John. One of the clear messages is that book by John is that God is reaching out to people with the offer of His transforming power so that we can be all that He has desired us to be.

I am in a win-win situation. Of course I would like to continue life here on planet earth. I have a phenomenal wife, four great kids, three grandkids, some really great friends, and a wonderful church family. I would love to continue to serve people for many more years. I believe that is how God has wired me. But if He chooses otherwise, it is His choice. I have learned to trust in His wisdom. I have said, in the past, on more than one occasion, to my congregation, “God did not consult me when He organized my DNA andHe He can stop my heart at anytime. In meantime, He has the choice to do whatever He wants to do with me. For someone who sent Jesus to die for me, deserves my trust, love, and loyalty. Once my heart stops beating, I know that I will be ushered into His presence. How do I know that?

First of all it is not because I have a great track record or have piled up enough good points. The last time I checked, God runs a perfect heaven and requires perfection for entrance. Like the Philly’s or the Eagles organizations, God gets to choose the requirements for entrance into heaven. Check on the Sermon on the Mount teaching in a Bible. It is found in the gospel account by Matthew., chapter 5-7. Jesus nails the religious by saying that if you want to enter into His kingdom you have to live a right kind of life that exceeds that being lived by the Pharisees.
The Pharisees were the hardest working religious group of that day. But they missed it big because their religion was all external. For several verses, Jesus shows them that righteousness (living right according to God’s standard) is more about what is happening on the inside than on the outside. Who of us can pull off a good outside game while thoughts and attitudes on the inside are pretty horrible. I have good experience in this area. But then Jesus nails them and all of us by telling them finally, “you must be perfect as my heavenly Father is perfect”. Ouch! So, then no one makes it, right? No, and here is the good news. What we can’t achieve, God did for us.

If you missed Mel Gibson’s The Passion, check it out. What Jesus suffered was horrific. But the physical suffering was for a reason. In Jesus own words, “the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom (payment for us because it would have been too much for us to pay) for many.” I know that a horrible death on the cross sounds like cruel and unusual punishment. But sometimes we have to hurt to get better. Isn’t that a part of medicine. Taking chemotherapy and radiation may not be cruel and unusual punishment but if we were to follow the dictum, “do no harm” it might fit in. Hopefully the outcome is beneficial. In the case of what Jesus did, the outcome is definitely beneficial. He paid a price that you and I cannot pay. If Idied for you, It would be a nice gesture, but my death for you won’t get you into God presence. Only what Jesus did is sufficient.

For those of us who like to make our own way, having someone pay a price for us, doesn’t sit very well. But in the case of gaining a right relationship with God, who among us can match His required standard? The last time I checked, there are no perfect people walking around, only those who are deluded and think they are. So God did for us what we can’t do for ourselves. He is reaching out to people letting them know what He has for them. How can you know? I believe that it first comes with a real understanding that we do fall far short of the perfection that makes God, God. Simply put, He is God and I am not. Line up everyone on one side of the Grand Canyon and everyone try to leap across. We may have some Olympic long jumpers among us, but no one makes it across. Again, God gets to set the standard since He is God. What an amazing thing. God sets the standard. His standard is perfection. He expresses His unconditional love (sometimes called ‘amazing grace’) and does the work for us that we could never achieve by any kind of performance record. If that sounds too good to be true, then you are partially right. It is true and it is too good. It is not what we deserve. But that is what is expressed in John Newton’s song, “Amazing Grace.” Check out the lyrics the next time you hear it. Secondly, there is a clear understanding that God’s solution to our separation from Him is resolved by the one and only, Jesus Christ. You may have seen the banners at sporting events with John 3:16 printed on them. Here is the verse from the bible being referred to: "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

The greatest thing that I have enjoyed is not only the personal relationship with God but also His life transforming power. I have a long way to go but He does do good work, although painful at times, as these last ten months have proven. But It would not trade the things that I have learned. Sure, I would like to learn them another way but it does seem that the best lessons in life are learned through pain. He has been the framework for my life, my absolute reference point, the One who picks me up when I am down, the One who keeps my soul, strong, and best of all is His amazing, unconditional love. I don’t know how He puts up with me sometimes but He does. As a member of His family, He now accepts me because of what His Son Jesus has done. I get disciplined but it is out of His desire to show me how much better life can be when I live by His game plan. At this point in my life, my greatest desire is to honor Him and serve Him.

Eventually, we will all die. The statistics are very clear. The last time I checked, it is 100%. Whenever I end up in heaven, may I tell God that you will be there also? If any of this needs clarification or if you have any questions, email me at: [email removed to avoid spammers]
Thanks again for your wonderful treatment service over these past few months.

Joel MacDonald
68 Holly Drive
West Deptford, NJ 08096